Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Worst bar ever.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk