Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I think my mom just blocked me
pat pat
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling