[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
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Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.