Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot