Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
a god among men
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!