Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?