JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My dress code is business-casualty.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this