To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*