Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Kids, do not try this at home!
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs