My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*