Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Two types of dogs.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Childbirth is so beautiful
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.