Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
checking out some reviews of my local library
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.