My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft