A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
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You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*