american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
This came to me in a dream.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.