Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Pigeon open mic night.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Life cycle of cat
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me