[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
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There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang