Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Bread puns are on the rise!
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…