Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Planet of the Apps.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again