Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Best seat on the street 😍
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
😬
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up