HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.