I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*