I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
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ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.