My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Me too 😆
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.