Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind