Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
That’s not how days work.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you