everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Damn he played himself
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator