Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
So, can we agree on 4 or
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks