i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
never forget
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or