Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
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friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.