Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes