me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
is it earth
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.