Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Am I having a stroke?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?