Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
You Might Also Like
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.