When I pack too much for a short trip.
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
just got my engagement photos
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.