A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
WTF IS THAT!
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what