This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free