“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.