RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
She: I like Cats
He:
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.