6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*offers Batman cough drops*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.