*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink