Only a mother’s love …
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish