Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
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Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs