Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
You Might Also Like
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down