Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Finally! 😈
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”