Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
You Might Also Like
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
What?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do