*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.