Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
me adding lol on a serious message
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’m calling the cops.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”