Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
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Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*bites zombie*
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.