Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?